Commitment
The state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.; an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action; a pledge or undertaking; "I'm committed to you, and us."; "John Bellon is one of my favorite commitments."; watering your plants everyday; sticking to goals; not breaking trust with yourself; this fucking douchebag I'm texting right now who can't commit but I'm so bored I'm texting him back because it's been months since I've talked to someone remotely attractive and I need a confidence boost; "I'm thinking I'll commit to someone later on down the road, but not quite yet. There aren't any matches or anyone I'm fond enough of right now that could convince me to settle down. I believe that relationships should not hinder you from having fun and should allow you to feel free in most aspects. The idea of committing I'm fond of- the idea of settling frightens me. To keep a long story short and be respectful of my boundaries- I know how it feels to be at the end of the road. Everything around you is gone and you've accepted your life for what it is. "I'm in too deep," or "There's no way I can change what I'm doing because things have been this way for so long," are often what you say to yourself when you think about where your life is at. One day, I decided that everything was stale around me. There was a moment of clarity and my eyes opened to what had felt like the first time I had seen light in a very long time. One of my favorite quotes from Dale Carnegies How to Win Friends & Influence People he states: "If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?" I read this several months ago and realized that's what I had done before. I was not satisfied with my position and needed something different in my life. Since then, I've experimented with men, clothing, living situations, etc., and it's surprisingly worked out for me. I've fucked up a lot, but I feel free. I long for commitment truly I think, but right now I'm not bothered with being alone. For the past 11 months I have ached and drove myself mad at the idea of being with a lover who is devoted and crazy over me, but just recently my mindset has flipped and I'm not distracted by it as much. The cliche sayings you read online or those fucking Walmart posters that say "Live. Laugh. Love.," or whatever that quote about loving yourself and whatnot finally clicked and make since (they are cliches for a reason, just shitty people overuse good quotes or don't apply those quotes to their real life and give everything a bad name! fucking scum! muahah). I realize that I am my biggest commitment, and I have to devote my life to taking care and nurturing myself first and foremost. It is in our nature to want to love and nurture something, especially if that thing loves us back. One of my dear friends recently mentioned to me a bit about "self-compassion," and a thing that sounded so easy to realize, I had never thought of until just then. Those simple words graced my mind and have made me aware of practicing them daily. I've felt inadequate by not having anything tangible to hold on to dearly other than my friends and my plants (don't judge me LOL); but giving my love to myself and being compassionate with myself seem to be getting easier for me. One day I'll be ready to commit to someone, but for right now I'm committing to myself and I'm fine with that."